Come Hell or High Water

"Being real" is an attractive quality to individuals who are ready to embrace reality as it is.

Yet, in our Christian communities, its a rare commodity. We preach, talk, and teach about Jesus being right besides us, holding our hand, walking with us in our "valley of the shadow of death." We preach, but we rarely speak about that valley. We will do anything to cover up that valley, as if we've never been through one. We will choke ourselves out by covering up the things we're going through.

And even though we want to have real, authentic relationships, and have real genuine community, and love, sacrifice, care, give, mourn, rejoice, praise, and pray together. We willing reject, and force out the one quality that will cultivate those things. Being vulnerable. Being real.

So here's my real thing:

In 170 days, 8 hours and a few minutes, I'm marrying the love of my life. In less time than that, I am going to begin attending Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. In even less time than that, the fear and anxiousness of and want to be a provider, and sustainer for my future family closes in.

Let me give you that run down.

When I first started college, I had no idea what I was doing, therefore I took out loans. About 13 Grand worth. Not bad for the average college student. I quickly in 2013 joined the Marine Corps Reserves in hopes of adventure, which I got. I landed, not so softly back into the real world trying to find my calling in Christ, which is to be a pastor and missionary overseas.

I met my Fiancé at a college here in KC in 2016, which helped bring that future into vision. Thus began my journey to get my degree back on track. We (Ashley & I) quickly together tackled a bill that seemed impossible to me, early this year, but was more than possible with each other, and by the Grace of God Himself. We're right now saving to pay for certain things for our wedding in December. Along with that come my school expenses. Which is my hell and high water.

Yesterday, we went to the school I'm going to this fall in hopes of 3 things. 1.) To have a job at the seminary to help pay for, or cover the cost of living and school, 2.) Have some sort of idea if we would be able to live on campus at the end of the year. 3.) The VA to help with a lot of the bill.

We got none of those. 

Nothing destroys a man, like feeling powerless. I'm trying to learn how to be a provider for my future wife. How am I to take care of her like this? Right now I want school to be able to be paid for. Right now I want it to be easy. Right now I want to ask God why, why isn't this taken care of, why can't we seem to get a break? God I need this right now, I need this kind of break through right now. I NEED _______ right now.

But more often than not God doesn't work in the right now. He works in me, slowly, in my obedience, day after day, in the ordinary, hard, rough times. What I need, right now, is God's Grace. What I need to DO right now, is be obedient to His will, I need to worship. I need His presence, I need to know that He IS GOOD. All the time.

I don't want to be the Christian who flippantly worships when I feel like it, I want to be able to say that God is good all the time, even when my soul is down cast. When I don't feel powerful, that He is working powerfully within me, because His power is made perfect in my weakness. That even though I want to call it quits right now, I cannot be Esau and give up what has been given to me because I'm hungry.

I need to be constantly reminded of the Good news of Jesus Christ. That He has overcome, that endurance is being produced, that even though this life is hard, I can still boldly approach the throne of Grace, still come out victorious. That even though this is a hard time, that finances seem bleak, that my faith doesn't seem quite enough. I need the cross every day. I need grace and mercy every day. I don't need what I want right now. I need Jesus.

Come Hell or High Water.

I need Jesus.